Yes, a lot of time I hold multiple choices to problems. Multiple. However, I'm easily manipulated and swayed by people's opinions, judgement and comments. Afraid of the outcome my choices will bring, afraid of the reaction it will produce, afraid of the people there.

Today's talk with my father and some of my relatives made me realise that I do have the choice. I grasped it in my hand but afraid to unleash its potential. I have a voice, just like how I made up my mind that the cheese job wasn't right for me, I made the correct choice instantaneously to end it.

Many of the time we hold the solutions to our problems, we can allow or block access of it from our lives. But how many time did we realise what we ourselves can do for ourselves? Why must we follow the road that people have envisioned and path for us when ourselves know its not right for us? Just like how my ex co-worker in the cheese shop thought that I have a lot of potential and good working spirit, I myself realised it is not what I'm capable doing in the long run.

Keys are in our hands, put it to good use.

Hello world,

So much have happened in such a short span of time. I lost the love of my life, my grandmother.
She was the greatest, most loving, most caring, most attentive, most generous, most selfless and the best mother in the whole wide world to me. Even since I was little, being the kid that my own father despise, my grandparents - ahgong and ahma, raised me like their own kid and showered with me with the simplest and genuine love. Ahma and Ahgong always make sure I'd eaten all three meals, and if I had not, they would bring me out to eat or my grandma would cook some really delicious food for me to eat.

Although I spent all of my childhood with my grandparents, I was closer to my ahma because ahgong passed away when I was 12. At the age of 12, ahgong was really sick and I was too playful and immature and hence, I visited him not as often as I now wish to. It is one of my greatest regret now that I was not by his side all that while when he was struggling with his sickness. I remember waiting for hours and hours with ahgong at the hospital for his chemotherapy, we would start waiting around the early afternoon and by early evening, ahgong would have needles stuck into him and waterbags attached to him. At the age of 12, I didn't know it was so bad, I didn't know I had to say goodbye to ahgong back then. I didn't cry a lot during his wake because I held back my tears, but I was truly truly upset and heartbroken.

The passing of ahgong took a huge blow for ahma, she lost the love of her life, the man she spent almost all her life with. My sister and I decided to take turn and accompany ahma by spending the night at her house. After 1 year half, my sister decided to stop sleeping over at ahma house due to conflict. Of course, I stayed on and continued to accompany ahma. If i would to jot down how nice ahma was to me, it will take forever, literally. From when I was 1 till now the 17 me, ahma had done SO MUCH, so so so so much. When i was young, ahma would take me to buy nice dress and shoes because I have none. She would apply lipstick on me when we went to church and would make sure my well being was taken care of. I don't have mother, so ahma naturally feels like a mother to me.
There are so many occasion I want to say sorry to ahma to, when I use phone rather than listening to her problems etc etc, I am so ashamed now to even say it in here. I brought so much things to myself, and now who am I to blame that I did not cherish you to my fullest potential?

I came to a realisation month after ahma passing that she will never come back to earth. I will never see her on earth again. I had so many dreams about her, each would make me wake up sobbing and crying. Once I dreamt that she returns back to earth, God has granted her back on earth, I really thought she was back and legit believed it in my dream. It only ended up in disappointment when I woke up, knowing it was all a merely a dream.

Ahma, if you are reading this in heaven, how are you? I miss you so much and I wish you were here to hear what I have to say again. I will gladly hold that hand of yours again, that touch I still remember. Ahma, i hope you are happy up there with the company of God, ahgong and the angels. I love you.

Huilin

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